silicamalignant (silicamalignant) wrote,

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You rock, rock.

Well, here I am, sitting up at a quarter till three, when I'm supposed to be leaving for Texas in four hours. I haven't really felt tired, but I should try to get some sleep soon.

The past week or so has been very eventful, but not in the sense that anything's really effected my life, but moreso those around me. And rather than trying to be deep and thoughtful about it, I really don't have that much to say.

As my last post made evident, one of my idols (which I have very few of) passed on a little over a week ago. I didn't cry, but I felt as if a part of me - perhaps small, perhaps not - was taken away. And of course it hurts, but you just have to bring yourself into realization that life goes on.

And as soon as I recover from that loss (which is a few days later), my aunt's father, whom I've only met once or twice, died after being in surgery for ten straight hours. What's so sad, in my mind, about it is that practically everyone seemed to think that he was going to be okay. I mean, he had done perfectly fine until near the end. But what scarred me the most was having to deliver the news to my aunt.

She didn't have her phone on, so we had to drive to the outskirts of town where she lives to tell her about it. It was originally just going to be my mom and grandmother telling her, but I felt the need to go as well, for some reason. Well, after a good five to ten minutes of persistently banging on the door and trying to get her to answer the phone, we had to break in, using my mom's drivers license.

My aunt had been resting upstairs, her boyfriend in the shower, and my cousin asleep. I stood downstairs with my mom as my grandma told her what had happened. Then it seemed after that moment, all I could hear was her crying. Just crying, for a good fifteen minutes. I can't say that I've ever witnessed anyone acting so upset, or so much sadness in someone's voice. It hurt me to hear her like that, but I couldn't draw myself away from listening to her with my grandma.

And I really can't remember much after that. That was about four days ago. And everything since then has just been (seemingly) pointless, or at least not very memorable or noteworthy. I've felt as if I'm just watching life pass me by, with everyone else around me having some sort of significant role and I'm there to observe. Maybe that's what I'm meant for, I don't know.

Anyway, this has pretty much taken longer than I'd thought, so I'll jot a few things down quickly and be on my way.

- To Yulrath, and whoever else cares: I should be returning sometime Saturday or Sunday.
- I just finished watching I Heart Huckabees a little while ago, and it's needless to say that it's now one of my favorite films.
- I'm got a crapload to do with my website. Remember to send E-Starr the payment before leaving.

Okay. Adieu everyone.
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Hope you're having a good time on your trip.

And I can completely identify with the feeling, I think. After my grandfather died on my dad's birthday..I felt sadness, sure, but what I mainly felt was a sort of detachment...just like you described in your post.

Don't let it get you down, though. I've had stages of my life where everything just seems to go wrong, too. It felt like all of us where sprinting towards our graves, so to speak--the running inbetween didn't matter, just reaching the finish.

Depression is something I've managed to almost completely dispatch, now. I just think more of the positive things in life, those things we still have. Only then can solid memories be built...

Just know that you're not the only one to endure these feelings, alright? Everyone encounters them...or, it seems like they do. I guess some people might not...really fortunate people. Ah, well.

I wish you enjoyment while you're out on your trip.
Oh, well, thanks. I really do appreciate the comment. It helps. And I'm feeling much better now about everything...sometimes it takes being away from something you're used to just to realize how much you truly value it.

Or something like that.

Anyway, I got the pictures back from Incredible Pizza, and have 15 other rolls that I dropped off just tonight, so we'll have to browse through them this weekend when you come over.